


all the golden threads in the world; we were dancing and crying and laughing but now, it's time to say goodbye, love

by evanescentdawn



Series: castiel-centric [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Gen, I love cas so much, Introspection, so many feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:22:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27461884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evanescentdawn/pseuds/evanescentdawn
Summary: There’s so much he wants to say.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel & The Winchesters, Castiel & every person he ever loved
Series: castiel-centric [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2006425
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	all the golden threads in the world; we were dancing and crying and laughing but now, it's time to say goodbye, love

This is it, this is the end. Castiel is realising that as he says, “There’s only one that Billie is scared of.” He can’t let Dean die, not when he can do something. 

Dean’s eyes widen and his mouth parts open. Surprise, confusion and Cas doesn't want to go out like this. In this room, one moment from death, Sam and Jack, not here. At least, Dean is here. At least, he doesn’t have to die alone. 

There’s so much he wants to say. So many things he never got to say with the next threat right around the corner and letting the fear, uncertainty, getting the better of him. Cas smiles, and it spreads awkward on his face. He wants to cry but he can’t let that be Dean’s last memory. He refuses it to be that. (He cries anyways)

He’s not happy, yet. He needs to be happy for the Empty to come for him. But how can be so happy when it’s the end and he's going to leave behind everyone he cares about? He won’t be able to see to the end. Won’t ever know if they will win or lose. What is he saying?

Haven’t they won before, despite all the odds. If they were able to beat Destiny, and re-write the story that's been set in motion long before they were born, how can they not win this?

Castiel smiles and he tells Dean about the deal. And acceptance, defeat is settling. 

What is happiness? He had wondered, told Jack that it was okay, he wouldn’t be happy for a long time but—

Castiel realises, he’s been happy for a long time. Despite all the times, he wanted to curl up and never get up and only cry into his arms. He dreamed of what his happiness might look like. Universes where he hadn’t made the same mistakes and he was beside his brothers and sisters. He was _home_. And he was with the Winchesters and Kelly had never died, Jack had his mother and Castiel got to have dinner with them and go out to the cinema, all the things that Kelly wished for but never got to. He would be welcomed in the bunker and it would be peaceful, walk into Sam and Dean bickering and laughing. Mary, sitting down and drinking, watching them with fond eyes. Yes, she’d be alive too. And maybe, John too. Castiel doesn’t know him but the winchesters do and they love him. 

A universe where Meg never died, and they made good on their deal. Where it was not the empty he say but Meg. 

All the possibilities, he had dreamed of them all and wondered, in which would he obtain happiness? 

Castiel knows now. 

They are all impossible, what he can’t have. 

“I think I know now happiness isn’t in having." He tells Dean, smiling. "It’s in just being. It's in just saying it.” 

_I love you_ , He told Jack and it was happiness. He said to Sam, _Nothing is worth losing you_ and that was happiness too. 

Happiness is this grateful thing that lives inside of him because he’s allowed time to speak, to say his last words. He’s allowed not to die alone. It is those stolen moments in between all of this. It is that moment where Jack smiled at him. Where he went to heaven and got to meet Kelly, got to hug her, spend time with her and make this deal to save Jack. When he and Sam researched, or watched Netflix together. 

When Claire said, "The tie—it looks good one you." 

Hannah pressing a kiss to his cheek, saying, hello. And Meg with her devilish smirk, and soft eyes, calling him. "Clarence." Meg, staying behind and telling Sam, to go save her unicorn. 

Sitting with Ellen and Jo at the table, the possiblity of the end of the world hanging over the head as they drink. 

Every single second he got to spend amongst nature and the bees, watching humanity and _marvelling._

Even now: talking, being allowed to say almost everything he wasn’t able to before.

He stumbles over his words, doesn’t know where to start. He starts with Dean and his love. Starts with what he knows about him. The anger and the brokenness and the destructivism; the overwhelming, blinding love that exists behind all of that. 

“Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love.” 

Castiel has seen it. The tenderness he has when he is with Sam. The care in his touches, remembers ages ago. A shoulder touch that felt so meaningful. Dean has love. It is what drives him to do everything and Cas thinks, it’s the most beautiful thing. 

He didn’t understand it, didn’t understand the winchesters. Their fierceness and strength against the Angels and Death and Fate, against the entities that were so much bigger than them. 

He understands it now. Not everything, Castiel doesn’t think he will ever understand the Winchester’s love, even after centuries. 

He understands enough. 

“Knowing you, has changed me.” He saw how he was in that other world, in a world where the winchesters were not born. A Castiel that hasn’t met them, never learned love and the warmth of sitting down and talking. How precious and important, a touch can be. 

Dean is silent, doesn’t say anything as he talks and muses and chokes on his words and tears fall. 

Then, he says, "What does this feel like a goodbye?" 

And Castiel smiles, almost laughs. “It is, Dean.” He says and the emptiness is coming, Castiel can feel it. 

Castiel has said the words before but each time, they never feel enough. Never feel like it holds everything that Castiel wants to say. And there’s so many more he wants to say but not enough time. So, Castiel says, “I love you.” Earnestly, sincerely, pours all his feelings in the words, and hopes it's enough. Hopes that it has gotten everything across. 

"Goodbye, Dean." 

One last smile. Castiel pushes Dean away, and steals one last glance _I'm glad I knew you_ before the empty comes for me and it’s darkness. 

For once, it feels like a win.

(Almost.)


End file.
